i’m gone…

one more pill,
one more sip..
just another one
to send me into oblivion,
where i can be
anyone i want to be,
where i can be as unfeeling
as the stone i am not.

twenty pills more,
just another bottle or two
to send me into nothingness,
where i don’t have to care
about whether i am loved or not,
where i can be as apathetic
as the cold waters of the ocean
that laps at your wishes and fears
with neither concern nor longing
to know what bring them on
or to understand the reasons behind them.

a hundred pills more,
then i’m gone.

Am I So Hard to Love?

Is it so hard to care for me?
Does it take all of your faculties
to just wrap me in your arms
and make me feel your love?
Or am I that difficult to comprehend
that you turn your back on me
even when I am shaking with my sobs
and my body is wracked in pain?
How much more do I have to hurt myself
for you to see me
and really show your concern
without me having to tell you
what I need?
Do I have to leave this life
for you to realize
that even with you sleeping by my side
I am slowly and inevitably dying inside?

 

 

a tomorrow was not what she wanted…

the dawn came merciless,
telling her she was still
very much alive.
too distraught to even speak
she opened her eyes
to the effervescent colors
of the new morning
that seem to mock her existence
in its every hue.

in her anguish at having
made it through the night,
she wallowed in her despair,
embracing her pain so hard
it pierced her heart and sank
deep into the recesses
of her tired soul.

she told herself
there is still time
to end it all,
she still has many chances.
but, she abhors the idea
of having to live another day,
pretending she is okay.

 

 

 

a heart in love…

again, the heart fell headlong
into a love that didn’t promise
a happy ending.
she chose to throw caution
into the winds and risked getting hurt,
just to feel the thrill
of a hand holding her close,
making her feel cherished and appreciated.

but, as her idyllic moments of bliss
came to an abrupt stop, she careened
into a chasm of loneliness so deep,
she had to pretend to be unfeeling
just to keep her head above waters.
she pasted an incessant smile
upon her face, so she won’t break down
into the torrent of tears she hid
way deep down, where no one undeserving
can ever unearth.

she clutched her sobs
close to her breast, so no one
will know the agony of the love
she harbored deep inside –
because everything came
to a standstill when she learned
how she was just there
to fill a void,
of a love gone cold.
she had to be thrown aside
when that bond was rekindled
and second chances took hold.

 

 

a morning for crying…

The morning dawned
With a heartfelt longing to belong –
But, it had all the reasons to cry.

 

 

 

Your Goodbye…

So, you laid your hand
on top of mine…
And, there was such 
a melancholic sadness to
what you did.
It seemed like you
were bidding me goodbye
with that single touch.
It felt like you were
letting of what we have
with that simple gesture.

You did not say anything.
But, the feel of your cool fingers
seared a fiery imprint
of anguish into my heart.
The poignancy of that moment,
devoid it might have been 
of any words, sent my soul
into tears of loss, beyond saving.

 

I Don’t Need You…

You are my angel.
You are my vice.
Because of you, 
I’ve been through 
the excruciating pain of hell,
and the blissful euphoria of paradise.

But, also because you have wings,
I know you need to fly.
Because of the baggage you bring,
I’m aware you are my demise.
So, I have to pull myself out
of this dark pit where you have placed me.
I need to wake up from this heaven
that’s lulling me to sleep – just letting things be.

I am complete without you.
I do not want you in my life.
I’ll tell myself that,
until it becomes true. 
And, I could start to believe that
I don’t need you.

Allowing Myself to Fall…

I’m falling and I have no intention
of catching myself.
I am letting myself fall,
because it is better 
than not feeling at all.
I am placing myself in the path
of inevitable pain, 
but I care not.
It is better than pretending 
I am a stone – incapable of loving,
of caring, of hurting.

I am falling and I don’t know
how deep I am going down.
I am just allowing myself
to free fall into this abyss
they call life and love.
I am human after all, 
and I admit to having the desire
of wanting to know 
what my heart and soul 
are capable of.
Will they send me to my demise
or will they give me the redemption 
I have been craving 
for so long?

I love you.

I love you.
It’s as simple as that.
I am unsure of how it started,
when it happened or why it had to be.
I, just, love you.

My love for you is as inevitable
as the sunset that colors the horizon,
closing the curtains of my day.
It is as turbulent as the seas
during a storm that rocks the boat,
carrying the dreams of my soul.
It is as gentle as the breeze
that carries aloft every strand of thistle,
flying away with the wishes of my heart.

I love you.
There is no other way to say it.
I love you.
There is no other way to show you how or why,
but to love you at this present moment –
and through the best and worst times.

Like a Butterfly…

You hold my hand.
My heart flutters like a butterfly
Just freed from its chrysalis –
Having just found its wings.